The night lights throw an eerie, unnatural glow. Grown men in crazy coloured outfits flit across the dewy outfield in pursuit of a small white orb. Two players in wildly divergent colours attempt - after the white orb has been retrieved - to bludgeon the thing as far as they can with pieces of sculptured wood.
One Day Wonders (G Hutchins, 1991)
We are the one and only Beige Brigade® - accept no imitations! We are the relentless clappers, the bearers of Larry the Small Horse, the residents of Beige 13. Kicking off in 1999 and then making a name for ourselves in 2002 when we rampaged around Australia letting Michael Bevan know about his custard arm.
The Beige Brigade® love cricket and we want to get New Zealanders passionate and excited about the game. Wins are nice but we're long haul supporters - not some disgruntled, cynical bunch of old buggers who leap on a loss like it's the end of the world.
The hardcore of the Beige Brigade® is a bunch of everyday chaps from heartland New Zealand (Tauranga, Hamilton, Wellington, Westport, Christchurch, New Plymouth, Marlborough) who believe clamorous, optimistic, boisterous support is what every New Zealand cricket team needs.
The Beige Brigade® has been piling along to games in New Zealand for many years, just quietly going about our support, and occasionally doling out a bit of abuse where it was warranted. Generally it's all about being relentlessly positive but Glenn McGrath (lived in a caravan), Damien Martyn (shagged a girl off the telly), Michael Clarke (shaves his arms), Inzamam ul-Haq (fat), Abdul/Abdur Razzaq (keeps changing his name), Brian Strang (can't bowl straight), Mark Boucher (angry), Andre Nel (nutcase) and Runako Morton (psycho) have all deserved a word or two of advice.
Certainly things went off their tits during the 2002 Carlton United series. We went quite silly in Sydney where Australia self-destructed. We got totally carried away in Brisbane where NZ shrugged off the South African monkey on their back thanks to a man named Cairns. We went pretty hard in Adelaide, and let Australia know what we thought of their Australia Day party. Backing up for the South African game the next day was tough but we did that too. In Melbourne Michael 'Custard Arm' Bevan broke our collective hearts but not our spirit in an unforgettable game of cricket.
We've done a lot. We went to England in May 2004 for a month of magical days including every ball of a Test match at Lord's, went to to the appalling Super Series in Melbourne (2005), spent our money in Queenstown, plus a bunch of games in Auckland and Wellington to boot. This summer we're heading back to Aussie for the VB Series and some of us will get to the World Cup cricket. We bought the Ball from the unforgettable underarm81 game in 2005, we led the return to beige for the Black Caps in 2004, we held the hugely successful Moustache and Facial Hair competition for the NZ team in the first 20/20 international, we lycra clad Mark Richardson (and Darren Lehmann), we issued the Pash For Cash challenge, we've got in behind the legends at Pulp Sport.
As well as the trusty Beige Brigade Shop we now have one idiot stationed in an office in Covent Garden as our northern hemispehere logistics maanger (on zero pay), we have a Podcast (The BYC - yeah you know me), a Blog and most importantly we have a bloody good time.
So, if you see our marvellous home sewed banner emblazoned with "Beige 13" or the Kiwi flag flying high, wander over and have a quiet jar or two with us at the New Zealand games. Rest assured, (if we can get the leave from work) we'll be making ourselves at home in our little corner of the ground.
The Beige Brigade® is a 100% Kiwi institution and we will be here for a long time to come. The shirts are an icon of Kiwi pride, halcyon days of success and fun and mirth in connection with sport. That's the way it should be - after all it is about passion, not fashion.
Some good solid calls
"Waugh Waugh - Your Mother's A Door" (circumventing the language restrictions against Australia, Basin Reserve)
"Take your hands out of your pockets if you've kissed a girl with the last name Henzell" (to Paul Wiseman, Basin Reserve)
"We hate you Courtney Walsh - but we like you more than Kapil Dev (Walsh enjoys a bit of Brigade banter as he chips up to Kapil's test wicket record, Westpac Trust Park)
"Mark Waugh chips away at my Nana" (banner, MCG)
"Bread and water, bread and water" (Ntini cops a serve, Gabba)
"Where's Wally! Where's Wally!" (an unusual Australian swaggers past, Adelaide Oval)
"Your girlfriend's embarrassed!" (an angry Australian supporter does a sheep joke and gets crucified by the chaps, resulting in him being dragged off by his girlfriend, Adelaide Oval)
"How many times has Michael Slater been dismissed in the 90s ladies and gentlemen? NINE times" (slimy Slater fires up, Basin Reserve)
"You're a boltface boltface boltface" (Marilyn Manson's twin is described, Lancaster Park)
"Lid, Lid show us your lid - or we'll tell David Trist what time you got home in Taupo" (to a NZ middle order batsman, McLean Park)
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor of Taupo" (it was actually his wife who was the Mayoress, McLean Park
"Where are you going? Home, home, home." (to the Sydney crowds leaving after another hiding from New Zealand, SCG)
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