The Chaps

Paul "MARTIN SNEDDEN" Ford

Strengths: Front-foot across the line slap shot; organisation; flag- waving; parenthood

Weaknesses: Short ball into ribs; vodka

All-time favourite cricket moment: Richard Hadlee 9/52, 1985; Lid's 26 off an over

Best TV programmes: Malcolm in the Middle, Tour of Duty, Knight Rider

FavouriteChris Cairns shot: Hooking a Brett Lee bouncer for 6, The Basin, 3rd Day, 2nd Test, 26/3/00

Favourite piece of commentary: "Oh ho hoooo, Cairns wants the decision but umpire Steve Randell from Tassie, he's as cool as a cucumber": Bill Lawry

Best piece of advice dished out to you: "Keep it down, chip away, ones and twos": derived from a quote by the one and only S Bedroom

Best night out in living memory: Fake Stag Night - The Ron Nelson, Courtenay Place Scripps Howard Memorial XI Prizegiving - Beige Cage, Leuven, Red Tomato, Vespa

Highest cricketing achievement: Captain, Scripps Howard Memorial XI, champion indoor cricket side

Favourite non-NZ player: Darren "Rhino" Gough Mosthated players: Graham Thorpe, Lance Klusener, Justin Langer, Greg Chappell, Craig McDermott

Free drink you would order: Caramel vodka and milk, Vespa Lounge

Tastiest meal: Roti, six chicken satay sticks and a jug of water, Satay Village

Favourite sports film: When We Were Kings, One Day in September

Mike "BRUCE EDGAR" Lane

Aliases: Boots, Grot, Gee, Serge, Dingle's uncle

Strengths: Mervyn Hughes bowling impressions; manus into pools

Weaknesses: Gaseous, loses jaw after several jars

All-time favourite cricket moment: When Dan Vettori took his first test catch in Australia off Chris Cairns' bowling he threw the ball up in celebration only for it to smash him back on the head as he ran into get a pat on the arse from the rest of the team (and pretend it didn't happen and no-one saw it): 7/11/97

Best TV programmes: Malcolm in the Middle, Trigger Happy TV

Favourite Chris Cairns shot: The 'walk to offside and slap Warne completely across the line' shot

Favourite piece of commentary: "And he's got a lot on that.....and it's been wonderfully taken by the man in the old New Zealand one- day uniform. Beautifully judged...Quite superb....": G Nesbitt

Best piece of advice dished out to you: "F*ck that": P. Ford (often)

Best night out in living memory: Wellington: "Stag Night".

Highest cricketing achievement: In Hamilton Rep teams until a little nerd called Dan Vettori got me removed for my discipline problems

Most hated players: Justin "Angry Smurf" Langer, Dean Jones

Free drink you would order: Vodka and orange from the sump of my chilly bin at WestpacTrust Park

Tastiest meal: Fillet steak, 4 mushrooms, 2 tomatoes, and chips

Favourite sports film: "Journeys of the Beige Brigade" [yet to be released]

Nick "LANCE CAIRNS" Henzell

Role: First (to) drop

Strengths: Wristy Dravid-style deflections and clip in front of square

Weaknesses: Abiding by the unwritten laws of the Men's Code; aerial drives

All-time favourite cricket moment: Lance Cairns' sixes, MCG (of course)

Best TV programmes: Spin City, Knight Rider

Favourite Chris Cairns shot: Front foot slap for six (over point/cover)

Best piece of advice dished out to you: "Stay on the front dog": unsure actually - either Jeremy Dunn, Graham Tocker or Jeremy Wells

Best night out in living memory: Hard to pick. Would definitely have to involve a pub in Newtown, Wellington called the Ron Nelson.

Probably one night when a few of the chaps came down from Christchurch and we stumbled across 24 packs of Speights for about $13.

Highest cricketing achievement: Hamilton B

Most hated player: Shoaib Akhtar

Free drink you would order: Stupid question [Chook always orders free drinks]

Tastiest meal: Dirty home cooked roast

Favourite sports film: Hot Shot (starring Pele)

Craig "PHIL HORNE" Parker

Aliases: Balsa, Horney, Porkz, Parks, Mav

Strengths: Digging out yorkers; chipping away; shopping for G Pride singlets

Weaknesses: Catches with his groin (at times); occasional CBM offences

All-timefavourite cricket moment: The "Waugh, Waugh your mother's a whore/door/poor/coleslaw/sore" fiasco: Basin Reserve, March 2000.

Best TV programmes: Quantum Leap

Favourite Chris Cairns shot: Anything that goes to the boundary off S Warne

Favouritepiece of commentary: Grot Lane commentating the seagull security breach during lunch at the 2nd test, NZ v Australia, 2000.

Dream job: Tour manager for Bon Jovi world tour

Best piece of advice dished out to you: Paul Ford, Deloitte Lounge 2001 (Nth Harbour v Wellington): "Just blame the chaps"

Best night out in living memory: Stag night 2000

Highestcricketing achievement: Division 7 Champions, Valley Indoor, Petone (greatest sporting achievement since leaving high school actually). Hit a 6 and scored 26 in my one and only game of real cricket at the age of 11. (Also snared one at 1st slip)

Favourite non-NZ player: D Boon

Most hated player: G McGrath

Free drink you would order: Caramel vodka and milk, Vespa

Tastiest meal: Iron's Special 'Rocco' Roll

Favourite sports film: When We Were Kings

Russell "EVAN GRAY" Boot

Role: Feisty middle-order bat

Alias: Fadeaway

Strengths: On-drives, banter, distribution from 2nd 5/8

Weaknesses: Couch climbing in lounge bars, horrendous spin bowling, voice maintenance

All-timefavourite cricket moment: Sherwin Campbell getting out first ball to Chris Cairns at Owen Delaney (Taupo).

Best TV programme: Malcolm in the Middle

Favourite Chris Cairns shot: The lofted drive back over the bowler's head. Good examples found at Puna, in India a few years back.

Favourite piece of commentary: "Ronny Irani doesn't wear cheap suits": Tony Greig in England (after A C Parore claimed D L Vettori was all over Irani like a cheap suit)

Expectations of the Beige Brigade Tour of Australia: Quality logorrhea; a trip in an equipage between Brisbane and Sufers' (I presume you will be the attendant Snedz); and pride in donning the Brown and Tan

Best piece of advice dished out to you: "If you don't back yourself, who else will!": advice from an early rugby coach

Bestnight out in living memory: A Sunday night in Christchurch celebrating the Black Caps victory in the ICC knockout comp.

Highest cricketing achievement: 1st XI at SPC

Favourite non-NZ players: Damien Martyn (batsman); Darren Gough (bowler)

Most hated players: M Bevan (anyone who throws like a girl deserves to be hated)

Freedrink you would order: Vodka and Orange purchased from the clubrooms (although it is quite good when purchased duty free as long as you don't drop it outside the Beige Cage before going to a ODI)

Tastiest meal: Like Fadeaway - any chicken dish

Favourite sports film: Can't remember its name but it's story of Steve Prefontaine

Logan "BRIAN BARRETT" Payne

Strengths: Facial hair growth; befriending Scotsmen; chatting up air hostesses

Weaknesses: Breaking in horses

All-time favourite cricket moment: Getting booted up the bum by an umpire after a one-dayer at NZ v Zimbabwe in Hamilton. I did get to the middle first though.

Best TV programmes: Neighbours, Home and Away, Seinfeld

Favourite Chris Cairns shot: Smashing a 6 onto the roof of the stands on each side of Eden Park

Favourite piece of commentary: "Oh ho ho wacko.when Cairns hits them, they stay hit!" W M Lawry

Dream job: Owner of a wonderful backpackers, downtown Mt Maunganui, NZ

Best piece of advice dished out to you: "Chin, knee, toe, make a bow, watch it go": P Gilbert

Bestnight out in living memory: Not sure but I woke up asleep under a pool table in the middle of a pub which was shut. It was in the middle of Australia.

Highest cricketing achievement: Best banner ever seen at Mt Maunganui Shell Cup cricket (a blank sheet)

Favourite non-NZ player: Roger Twose

Luckiest person to play for NZ: Dan Vettori

Most hated players: D Martyn, M Ntini, S Pollock

Free drink you would order: Lion Brown, The Tote, Trentham

Tastiest meal: BBQ, salad and pavlova, Jan Payne's house

Favourite sports film: The Man From Snowy River

Logan, what happened when you tried to take a cricket bat and a can of spray paint (for banner writing) into Eden Park?
Security boy said I wasn't allowed to take the can in because I could throw it or use it as a weapon. I looked him in the eye and laughed. I said, raising the cricket bat (which was allowed to be brought in): "Well, if you think that paint can be used as a weapon, what the f*ck do you think I am capable of doing with this?"

Austin "PAUL McEWAN" Leavy

Strengths: Ground fielding (long barrier)

Weaknesses: Aerial fielding; timing

All-timefavourite cricket moment: NZ's seemingly endless rampage through the 1992 World Cup round-robin stage

Best TV programmes: English Premier League Highlights; The A- Team

Favourite Chris Cairns shot: The lofted, charging on-drive Favouritepiece of commentary: Any pearls of wisdom from Navjot Sidhu [fanbelt wearer]; also "There's some people on the pitch.they think it's all over. It is now!" as G Hurst scored his 3rd for England (1966).

Dream job: Test driver for Ferrari

Best piece of advice dished out to you: "Don't go looking for fights - but if you accidentally end up in one, make sure you win": Dave 'The Rave' Leavy

Best night out in living memory: Bledisloe Ball, Dunedin (1997) Highestcricketing achievement: 'That catch' at square leg in my one and only 1st XI game; attended every Boxing Day test match

Favourite non-NZ player: Dean Jones

Most hated players: S Hazeldene, T Chappell, G Boycott

Free drink you would order: Caramel vodka and milk from where else?

Tastiest meal: Porterhouse steak, egg and chips (Mixed grill@ The Dog, Harrington)

Favourite sports film: Chariots of Fire (no question) [music by Vangelis]

Bede "TREVOR FRANKLIN" Skinner

Aliases: Skindiver, Trout Farmer, The Spoliator

Strengths: Diving to ground and juggling catches; vocals; holding

Weaknesses: Animal pursuit; punctuality, ethnic women; topless sunbathers; shopping

All-time favourite cricket moment: Watching Richard Hadlee nab a 10 wicket bag against Aussie in the mid 80's at home with dad

Best TV programmes: Sports Café, MacGyver

Favourite Chris Cairns shot: The square leg hoist for six

Favourite piece of commentary: Some gibberish from that Indian commentator Sidhu

Best piece of advice dished out to you: "Boys! You drop it in short on this track you will be dog tucker!": Paul Bonisch, Buller High vs Kaiapoi High in Kaiapoi, 1993/4.

Best night out in living memory: 100 screaming girls from Villa Maria college in Christchurch chasing me in the dark on a school night around the Carters Beach motor camp, Westport.

Highestcricketing achievement: Back to back titles after wasting everyone Valley and Wellington indoor could muster.

Favourite non-NZ player: Sachin Tendulkar

Most hated player: Dean Jones

Free drink you would order: Caramel vodka and milk of course, where else!

Tastiest meal: Curried sausages, mashed spud and 3 veg

Favourite sports film: Jerry Maguire

Spare "JEREMY CONEY' Bedroom

Role: Opening bowler

Aliases: Mantis, Spare Bedroom, Room

Strengths: The "no shot" lean; aggression

Weaknesses: Sieve in field at times; punctuality

Cricket moment: Chris Harris' throw from the boundary to run out David Boon in the 1992 World Cup opener

TV programmes: Malcom in the Middle, Children of the Dog Star

Chris Cairns shot: Club over long on for six

Commentary: Bill Lawry boning on about how great it is to be a Victorian

Advice: Kergen off Highlander movie: "It's better to burn out than fade away."

Best night out: 1992, The Cook, Dunedin: Friday night before ABs Bledisloe 2001

Fave Non-NZ player: Phil Tufnel - slimy

Most hated players: M Atherton (soft), Trevor Chappell

Free drink: Cascade beer at the Slip Inn, Sydney

Tastiest meal: Roast beef

Fave sports film: Taranaki rugby highlights

Fave colour(s): Only chicks have a favourite colour

Ian "MARK GREATBATCH" Dodson

Role: Opening bowler/Powerful lower order batsman

Aliases: Iron, Paddy, Doddy, Disco

Strengths: Outrageous dance manoeuvres; eluding Gabba security guards

Weaknesses: Irregular intoxication

Cricketmoment:1992 cricket world cup up until Inzamam-ul-Haq (the world's Fattest cricketer - sorry Arjuna)

TV programmes: Sky Sport, The Simpsons, Dukes of Hazzard

Chris Cairns shot: Brett Lee being hit over the hotdog stand at the Basin Reserve

Commentary: Anything involving Henry Blofeld and pigeons my dear old chap!

Dream job: Professional golfer; or make $ out of playing that bloody guitar.

Advice: "Assumption is the mother of all f*ck-ups" - not sure who told me but it probably wasn't my Mum

Best night out: Big Wednesday - apparently. Not technically in my memory. Austin remembers some of it, he thinks.

Fave Non-NZ player: Desmond Haynes, Darren Gough

Most hated players: Inzamam-ul-Haq, we'll never forget that World Cup.until we win one! Also Kapil Dev

Free drink: Beer, pretty much anywhere

Tastiest meal: Dirty big steak

Fave sports film: Days of Thunder

Craig "JOCK EDWARDS" McMillan

Aliases: Lid, Macca

Strengths: Thumping multiple boundaries off Pakistani bowlers

Weaknesses: Size of hands, diabetic "levels"

Cricket moment: [Modesty prevents mention of the 26 massacred by Lid off an over in the test against Pakistan at Hamilton]

TV programmes: Seinfeld, Ali G Show

Chris Cairns shot: Hitting B.Lee back over head for 6 in Wellington

Commentary: Anytime Bill Lawry opens his mouth

Dream job: Pro golfer

Advice:"Play straight" :the missus

Best night out: Any night after a win, or a loss!

Free drink: Diet Coke spiked with JD

Tastiest meal: Mum's Roast

Fave sports film: Happy Gilmore

Fave colour(s): Red & Black

Daniel "BRUCE MARTIN" Vettori

Role: Dirty left-arm orthodox finger spin/Librarian

Aliases: Vidiri, Colt, Harry (as in Potter)

Weaknesses: Swimming, running, domestic chores

Cricket moment: Watching P Ford bat in the backyard. The word 'spastic' comes to mind.

Commentary: Anything G Boycott says abusing a player.

Dream job: Reviewer of DVDs

Hopes: To meet Brett Kenny, Parramatta Eel

Advice:"If you are going to get caught with it, swallow it": H Davis

Best night out: M Lane spewing on every floor of the student halls in Chch after downing 80,000 bourbons.

Cricketing achievement: HJCC Pumas

Fave Non-NZ player: Rockin' Ron Henzell

Most hated players: Chook Henzell (after what he did to Mike)

Free drink: Bourbon

Tastiest meal: Canedolli