The Rave

Darren “The Rhino” Gough & his spunky dance partner Lilia just won the UK version of Dancing With the Stars which is called Strictly Come Dancing. Not sure whether this achievement is good or bad, or makes us happy or sad.
The Manchester Evening News had Darren saying some awfully cheesy stuff:

Gough, wearing a black shirt and trousers with sliver sequinned braces, told presenter Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly that he believed he had captured the nation’s hearts and won their votes because his dancing had come on leaps and bounds over the course of the series.

“I started with nothing and I have worked myself up to something decent,” he said.

As received overnight from Lara the Pocket-sized Filly (email: larathepocketsizedfilly@googlemail.com):

Dear Larry
I have tried a thousand times to write to you, but I always get so nervous and never know quite what to say. The truth is, I’m your biggest fan and would really love for us to spend some time in the same paddock.
I’m a bit of a shy young filly who just loves lush green grass and long effective walks on the beach. I have attached a photo for you to see, and hope you will get in touch so we can chip away at each other.
Effectively yours
Lara

Just uncovered this pic of Mils Muliaina in his kit at a Blues’ team cricket game. Dougie Howlett is looking quite retro spectacular too.

As if the man in the Beige Brigade kit & sheep head wasn’t enough - look at the state of the All Blacks’ bus in the UK. Surely it is only a matter of time before they go beige too? They are only human after all.

Only very occasionally does an email warrant being posted. Did like this though.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two
seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks
you in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to
make him destroy an orphanage.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, “Holy shit! That’s
Chuck Norris!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the
third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying “booya”.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, “Bang!”

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby
out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out
transformed into a robot.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

After chipping away at some chick in Paul’s journo class, Damien Martyn (aka Kate Lynch) has proved himself a bit of an arrogant wee man at times int he presence of the beige Brigade. Here is what he has been up to:

From The Age in Melbourne:

Marto, his ‘ex’ and a few $&*#@*! choice words
HE MIGHT not be part of an Australian team any more — which must be an even harder pill to swallow this week given that a Test match is about to be played in his home town of Perth — but don’t think that Damien Martyn still has any trouble making headlines in the local press. Pity he has had to do it this way, though. When Ricky Ponting and his boys awoke in Perth yesterday they did so to a report in The West Australian newspaper of an amazing incident that took place in a Perth hotel last Friday involving Martyn, his former fiancee Helen Appleyard and some of her girlfriends. Appleyard, who ended her three-year relationship with Martyn in 2003 after she allegedly found intimate text messages to another woman on his mobile phone, told the paper she was at the Subiaco Hotel and, spotting a former business colleague, she walked over to say hello and then, realising that Martyn was standing next to him, she said hello to him, too. According to Appleyard, Martyn responded by saying “f— off, f— off, you’re a slut”, and even though his friends tried to calm him, he then took aim at her girlfriends. Said Appleyard: “He started looking at all the girls that were with me, about half a dozen of us, and he said to one, ‘You can f— off, you’re ugly’, and said to another, ‘You’re all right, you can stay’. The worst was when he said to one girl, ‘You can f— off, you’ve got a fat arse’ and she was absolutely devastated and went home because she was so upset.”
Who you calling fat?
THAT woman, Karen Clarke, has since confirmed the “fat arse” slur, telling The West Australian she was extremely insulted, particularly as she said her dress size was six. “He is a professional sportsman and it was totally uncalled for,” she said. “It upset everyone.” Another woman in the group, who did not want to be named, said the fact that Martyn and Appleyard had broken up acrimoniously did not give him licence to abuse the group. “Their relationship is totally irrelevant,” she said. “The rest of the group don’t even know him and he basically told us all individually to f— off and started hurling abuse of a sexual nature.” Cricket Australia public affairs manager Peter Young said no action would be taken against Martyn.

We will be catching up at The Kingslander on Saturday in Auckland before the first game. It is nice there. We will have a mob in the Terraces so get along to that, plus another rabble in the Taverners Club (led by Willie), and a platoon in the ASB Stand (led by Sally).

Elsewhere nothing is confirmed but we do love the Backbencher for a few dirty Lion Browns before and after the games down there. We encourage everyone to make themselves at home at third man at the Caketin and at Lancaster Park.

Apparently there is also some good deals for Beige Brigade punters at Chicago on Queens Wharf in Wellington; and at Iconic on Manchester St in Christchurch.