Paul “MARTIN SNEDDEN” Ford
Strengths: Front-foot across the line slap shot; organisation; flag- waving; parenthood
Weaknesses: Short ball into ribs; vodka
All-time favourite cricket moment: Richard Hadlee 9/52, 1985; Lid’s 26 off an over
Best TV programmes: Malcolm in the Middle, Tour of Duty, Knight Rider
FavouriteChris Cairns shot: Hooking a Brett Lee bouncer for 6, The Basin, 3rd Day, 2nd Test, 26/3/00
Favourite piece of commentary: “Oh ho hoooo, Cairns wants the decision but umpire Steve Randell from Tassie, he’s as cool as a cucumber”: Bill Lawry
Best piece of advice dished out to you: “Keep it down, chip away, ones and twos”: derived from a quote by the one and only S Bedroom
Best night out in living memory: Fake Stag Night – The Ron Nelson, Courtenay Place Scripps Howard Memorial XI Prizegiving – Beige Cage, Leuven, Red Tomato, Vespa
Highest cricketing achievement: Captain, Scripps Howard Memorial XI, champion indoor cricket side
Favourite non-NZ player: Darren “Rhino” Gough Mosthated players: Graham Thorpe, Lance Klusener, Justin Langer, Greg Chappell, Craig McDermott
Free drink you would order: Caramel vodka and milk, Vespa Lounge
Tastiest meal: Roti, six chicken satay sticks and a jug of water, Satay Village
Favourite sports film: When We Were Kings, One Day in September
Mike “BRUCE EDGAR” Lane
Aliases: Boots, Grot, Gee, Serge, Dingle’s uncle
Strengths: Mervyn Hughes bowling impressions; manus into pools
Weaknesses: Gaseous, loses jaw after several jars
All-time favourite cricket moment: When Dan Vettori took his first test catch in Australia off Chris Cairns’ bowling he threw the ball up in celebration only for it to smash him back on the head as he ran into get a pat on the arse from the rest of the team (and pretend it didn’t happen and no-one saw it): 7/11/97
Best TV programmes: Malcolm in the Middle, Trigger Happy TV
Favourite Chris Cairns shot: The ‘walk to offside and slap Warne completely across the line’ shot
Favourite piece of commentary: “And he’s got a lot on that…..and it’s been wonderfully taken by the man in the old New Zealand one- day uniform. Beautifully judged…Quite superb….”: G Nesbitt
Best piece of advice dished out to you: “F*ck that”: P. Ford (often)
Best night out in living memory: Wellington: “Stag Night”.
Highest cricketing achievement: In Hamilton Rep teams until a little nerd called Dan Vettori got me removed for my discipline problems
Most hated players: Justin “Angry Smurf” Langer, Dean Jones
Free drink you would order: Vodka and orange from the sump of my chilly bin at WestpacTrust Park
Tastiest meal: Fillet steak, 4 mushrooms, 2 tomatoes, and chips
Favourite sports film: “Journeys of the Beige Brigade” [yet to be released]
Nick “LANCE CAIRNS” Henzell
Role: First (to) drop
Strengths: Wristy Dravid-style deflections and clip in front of square
Weaknesses: Abiding by the unwritten laws of the Men’s Code; aerial drives
All-time favourite cricket moment: Lance Cairns’ sixes, MCG (of course)
Best TV programmes: Spin City, Knight Rider
Favourite Chris Cairns shot: Front foot slap for six (over point/cover)
Best piece of advice dished out to you: “Stay on the front dog”: unsure actually – either Jeremy Dunn, Graham Tocker or Jeremy Wells
Best night out in living memory: Hard to pick. Would definitely have to involve a pub in Newtown, Wellington called the Ron Nelson.
Probably one night when a few of the chaps came down from Christchurch and we stumbled across 24 packs of Speights for about $13.
Highest cricketing achievement: Hamilton B
Most hated player: Shoaib Akhtar
Free drink you would order: Stupid question [Chook always orders free drinks]
Tastiest meal: Dirty home cooked roast
Favourite sports film: Hot Shot (starring Pele)
Craig “PHIL HORNE” Parker
Aliases: Balsa, Horney, Porkz, Parks, Mav
Strengths: Digging out yorkers; chipping away; shopping for G Pride singlets
Weaknesses: Catches with his groin (at times); occasional CBM offences
All-timefavourite cricket moment: The “Waugh, Waugh your mother’s a whore/door/poor/coleslaw/sore” fiasco: Basin Reserve, March 2000.
Best TV programmes: Quantum Leap
Favourite Chris Cairns shot: Anything that goes to the boundary off S Warne
Favouritepiece of commentary: Grot Lane commentating the seagull security breach during lunch at the 2nd test, NZ v Australia, 2000.
Dream job: Tour manager for Bon Jovi world tour
Best piece of advice dished out to you: Paul Ford, Deloitte Lounge 2001 (Nth Harbour v Wellington): “Just blame the chaps”
Best night out in living memory: Stag night 2000
Highestcricketing achievement: Division 7 Champions, Valley Indoor, Petone (greatest sporting achievement since leaving high school actually). Hit a 6 and scored 26 in my one and only game of real cricket at the age of 11. (Also snared one at 1st slip)
Favourite non-NZ player: D Boon
Most hated player: G McGrath
Free drink you would order: Caramel vodka and milk, Vespa
Tastiest meal: Iron’s Special ‘Rocco’ Roll
Favourite sports film: When We Were Kings
Russell “EVAN GRAY” Boot
Role: Feisty middle-order bat
Strengths: On-drives, banter, distribution from 2nd 5/8
Weaknesses: Couch climbing in lounge bars, horrendous spin bowling, voice maintenance
All-timefavourite cricket moment: Sherwin Campbell getting out first ball to Chris Cairns at Owen Delaney (Taupo).
Best TV programme: Malcolm in the Middle
Favourite Chris Cairns shot: The lofted drive back over the bowler’s head. Good examples found at Puna, in India a few years back.
Favourite piece of commentary: “Ronny Irani doesn’t wear cheap suits”: Tony Greig in England (after A C Parore claimed D L Vettori was all over Irani like a cheap suit)
Expectations of the Beige Brigade Tour of Australia: Quality logorrhea; a trip in an equipage between Brisbane and Sufers’ (I presume you will be the attendant Snedz); and pride in donning the Brown and Tan
Best piece of advice dished out to you: “If you don’t back yourself, who else will!”: advice from an early rugby coach
Bestnight out in living memory: A Sunday night in Christchurch celebrating the Black Caps victory in the ICC knockout comp.
Highest cricketing achievement: 1st XI at SPC
Favourite non-NZ players: Damien Martyn (batsman); Darren Gough (bowler)
Most hated players: M Bevan (anyone who throws like a girl deserves to be hated)
Freedrink you would order: Vodka and Orange purchased from the clubrooms (although it is quite good when purchased duty free as long as you don’t drop it outside the Beige Cage before going to a ODI)
Tastiest meal: Like Fadeaway – any chicken dish
Favourite sports film: Can’t remember its name but it’s story of Steve Prefontaine
Logan “BRIAN BARRETT” Payne
Strengths: Facial hair growth; befriending Scotsmen; chatting up air hostesses
Weaknesses: Breaking in horses
All-time favourite cricket moment: Getting booted up the bum by an umpire after a one-dayer at NZ v Zimbabwe in Hamilton. I did get to the middle first though.
Best TV programmes: Neighbours, Home and Away, Seinfeld
Favourite Chris Cairns shot: Smashing a 6 onto the roof of the stands on each side of Eden Park
Favourite piece of commentary: “Oh ho ho wacko.when Cairns hits them, they stay hit!” W M Lawry
Dream job: Owner of a wonderful backpackers, downtown Mt Maunganui, NZ
Best piece of advice dished out to you: “Chin, knee, toe, make a bow, watch it go”: P Gilbert
Bestnight out in living memory: Not sure but I woke up asleep under a pool table in the middle of a pub which was shut. It was in the middle of Australia.
Highest cricketing achievement: Best banner ever seen at Mt Maunganui Shell Cup cricket (a blank sheet)
Favourite non-NZ player: Roger Twose
Luckiest person to play for NZ: Dan Vettori
Most hated players: D Martyn, M Ntini, S Pollock
Free drink you would order: Lion Brown, The Tote, Trentham
Tastiest meal: BBQ, salad and pavlova, Jan Payne’s house
Favourite sports film: The Man From Snowy River
Logan, what happened when you tried to take a cricket bat and a can of spray paint (for banner writing) into Eden Park?
Security boy said I wasn’t allowed to take the can in because I could throw it or use it as a weapon. I looked him in the eye and laughed. I said, raising the cricket bat (which was allowed to be brought in): “Well, if you think that paint can be used as a weapon, what the f*ck do you think I am capable of doing with this?”
Austin “PAUL McEWAN” Leavy
Strengths: Ground fielding (long barrier)
Weaknesses: Aerial fielding; timing
All-timefavourite cricket moment: NZ’s seemingly endless rampage through the 1992 World Cup round-robin stage
Best TV programmes: English Premier League Highlights; The A- Team
Favourite Chris Cairns shot: The lofted, charging on-drive Favouritepiece of commentary: Any pearls of wisdom from Navjot Sidhu [fanbelt wearer]; also “There’s some people on the pitch.they think it’s all over. It is now!” as G Hurst scored his 3rd for England (1966).
Dream job: Test driver for Ferrari
Best piece of advice dished out to you: “Don’t go looking for fights – but if you accidentally end up in one, make sure you win”: Dave ‘The Rave’ Leavy
Best night out in living memory: Bledisloe Ball, Dunedin (1997) Highestcricketing achievement: ‘That catch’ at square leg in my one and only 1st XI game; attended every Boxing Day test match
Favourite non-NZ player: Dean Jones
Most hated players: S Hazeldene, T Chappell, G Boycott
Free drink you would order: Caramel vodka and milk from where else?
Tastiest meal: Porterhouse steak, egg and chips (Mixed grill@ The Dog, Harrington)
Favourite sports film: Chariots of Fire (no question) [music by Vangelis]
Bede “TREVOR FRANKLIN” Skinner
Aliases: Skindiver, Trout Farmer, The Spoliator
Strengths: Diving to ground and juggling catches; vocals; holding
Weaknesses: Animal pursuit; punctuality, ethnic women; topless sunbathers; shopping
All-time favourite cricket moment: Watching Richard Hadlee nab a 10 wicket bag against Aussie in the mid 80’s at home with dad
Best TV programmes: Sports Café, MacGyver
Favourite Chris Cairns shot: The square leg hoist for six
Favourite piece of commentary: Some gibberish from that Indian commentator Sidhu
Best piece of advice dished out to you: “Boys! You drop it in short on this track you will be dog tucker!”: Paul Bonisch, Buller High vs Kaiapoi High in Kaiapoi, 1993/4.
Best night out in living memory: 100 screaming girls from Villa Maria college in Christchurch chasing me in the dark on a school night around the Carters Beach motor camp, Westport.
Highestcricketing achievement: Back to back titles after wasting everyone Valley and Wellington indoor could muster.
Favourite non-NZ player: Sachin Tendulkar
Most hated player: Dean Jones
Free drink you would order: Caramel vodka and milk of course, where else!
Tastiest meal: Curried sausages, mashed spud and 3 veg
Favourite sports film: Jerry Maguire
Spare “JEREMY CONEY’ Bedroom
Role: Opening bowler
Aliases: Mantis, Spare Bedroom, Room
Strengths: The “no shot” lean; aggression
Weaknesses: Sieve in field at times; punctuality
Cricket moment: Chris Harris’ throw from the boundary to run out David Boon in the 1992 World Cup opener
TV programmes: Malcom in the Middle, Children of the Dog Star
Chris Cairns shot: Club over long on for six
Commentary: Bill Lawry boning on about how great it is to be a Victorian
Advice: Kergen off Highlander movie: “It’s better to burn out than fade away.”
Best night out: 1992, The Cook, Dunedin: Friday night before ABs Bledisloe 2001
Fave Non-NZ player: Phil Tufnel – slimy
Most hated players: M Atherton (soft), Trevor Chappell
Free drink: Cascade beer at the Slip Inn, Sydney
Tastiest meal: Roast beef
Fave sports film: Taranaki rugby highlights
Fave colour(s): Only chicks have a favourite colour
Ian “MARK GREATBATCH” Dodson
Role: Opening bowler/Powerful lower order batsman
Aliases: Iron, Paddy, Doddy, Disco
Strengths: Outrageous dance manoeuvres; eluding Gabba security guards
Weaknesses: Irregular intoxication
Cricketmoment:1992 cricket world cup up until Inzamam-ul-Haq (the world’s Fattest cricketer – sorry Arjuna)
TV programmes: Sky Sport, The Simpsons, Dukes of Hazzard
Chris Cairns shot: Brett Lee being hit over the hotdog stand at the Basin Reserve
Commentary: Anything involving Henry Blofeld and pigeons my dear old chap!
Dream job: Professional golfer; or make $ out of playing that bloody guitar.
Advice: “Assumption is the mother of all f*ck-ups” – not sure who told me but it probably wasn’t my Mum
Best night out: Big Wednesday – apparently. Not technically in my memory. Austin remembers some of it, he thinks.
Fave Non-NZ player: Desmond Haynes, Darren Gough
Most hated players: Inzamam-ul-Haq, we’ll never forget that World Cup.until we win one! Also Kapil Dev
Free drink: Beer, pretty much anywhere
Tastiest meal: Dirty big steak
Fave sports film: Days of Thunder
Craig “JOCK EDWARDS” McMillan
Aliases: Lid, Macca
Strengths: Thumping multiple boundaries off Pakistani bowlers
Weaknesses: Size of hands, diabetic “levels”
Cricket moment: [Modesty prevents mention of the 26 massacred by Lid off an over in the test against Pakistan at Hamilton]
TV programmes: Seinfeld, Ali G Show
Chris Cairns shot: Hitting B.Lee back over head for 6 in Wellington
Commentary: Anytime Bill Lawry opens his mouth
Dream job: Pro golfer
Advice:”Play straight” :the missus
Best night out: Any night after a win, or a loss!
Free drink: Diet Coke spiked with JD
Tastiest meal: Mum’s Roast
Fave sports film: Happy Gilmore
Fave colour(s): Red & Black
Daniel “BRUCE MARTIN” Vettori
Role: Dirty left-arm orthodox finger spin/Librarian
Aliases: Vidiri, Colt, Harry (as in Potter)
Weaknesses: Swimming, running, domestic chores
Cricket moment: Watching P Ford bat in the backyard. The word ‘spastic’ comes to mind.
Commentary: Anything G Boycott says abusing a player.
Dream job: Reviewer of DVDs
Hopes: To meet Brett Kenny, Parramatta Eel
Advice:”If you are going to get caught with it, swallow it”: H Davis
Best night out: M Lane spewing on every floor of the student halls in Chch after downing 80,000 bourbons.
Cricketing achievement: HJCC Pumas
Fave Non-NZ player: Rockin’ Ron Henzell
Most hated players: Chook Henzell (after what he did to Mike)
Free drink: Bourbon
Tastiest meal: Canedolli